Howl at the Dark Horse.

Howl at the Dark Horse.

Ashah ashah ashah ashah….wind rattles
my ears,
my face, my life.
Leather, the reins
as I steam through dark night.
Breath seems so tight,
so determined, so hard
that my howling is cutting,
scarring the world.
I ride through the bracken
not afraid of Dark Horse
for she and me shatter
boundaries with force.
This terror is screaming
in sinew and vein
as my body convulses;
invisible pain.
Ashah ashah ashah ashah…..

* dedicating this to all who suffer with invisible illness.*

LIVING WITH FIBROMYALGIA and CHRONIC ILLNESS. Is fighting it the right way?

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Hello!

I haven’t posted for a while….all too often Life happens when all you want to do is sit with your own thoughts, in your own space, doing your own thing. So here I am, on the wings of the creative Muse, being called back to Me.

It’s a soggy day here in Snailwell and yes, I can confidently say that, should I venture into my garden, there will be a snail and slug patrol going on, looking for the next tasty treat to ravage! The skies are clearing now. For a while it felt like someone had scooped up my cottage and shoved it into a black hole. It’s pretty grim for the 26th of August; bring back the sun – please.

I was just thinking, as I sat down in my armchair here, I am living everyday with Fibromyalgia (FMS) and although I know there are people far worse off than me, in my life, the impact it has, is very difficult. I never contemplated getting to the age of 62 and feeling A) in constant pain or discomfort. B) Being unable to walk more than a few steps without being in almost immovable pain. C) Feeling completely thrown into the void of bewilderment about my life, what it’s been, where I am now and where I am going. D) struggling on a daily basis, not to DO my work as a Singing Teacher/ Therapist, but to actually cope with the logistics of the unknown; what will today bring when I step outside the door?

Still recovering from a little dance with cancer  four years ago and a couple of other pretty significant surgeries three and two years ago, the Fibro is now playing havoc with my body. Those of us with this chronic dis-ease in our systems know all too well how exhausting it can be to carry on….. people talk about ‘Fighting’ cancer or chronic illness….. I don’t ….. I believe we have to take a long, deep warm in-breath and just sit with what is, allowing the passage through to something else. Being kind to oneself is not always easy, especially if you have lived a life where you have complied with the done thing, of pushing yourself to overcome that which is getting you down.

My Life has changed significantly in the last five years and just now, I don’t know where I’m going, or really have much of a sense of who I am anymore, but I do know this: we are drip-fed a lot of illusions in our lives. ‘You can be anything you want to be’, ‘you can have anything you want to have’, ‘you are X’ etc etc. This is not true; these things are illusions. Actually, at the end of the day, when we begin to really look at our lives and accept the conditions we find ourselves in, we see that all we have left is our innate ability to Love and be Loved and out of that other things may grow, if we allow them to.

As for the pain? Toxins come in many forms….. it’s isn’t entirely one thing or the other. It is a combination of ‘poisons’ which inhabit our bodies, a lot of which are environmental, belief systems about ourselves and others and the more obvious things like foods and chemicals in medications and on the land. No doubt there are other things too but these I’ve listed are for me, the building blocks of dis-ease. For example, when someone is led to believe they are ‘stupid’, they will often take that on board if there isn’t anything to counter that abuse. With that belief deeply buried in their physical and energetic bodies, they will become ‘stupid’ and as such, they will experience pain on one or more levels. Changing those deeply embodied beliefs is not easy, it would seem. However, acceptance of how things have been and are, does release the strangle hold which has a big impact on the body and mind.

Something to try: Place your LEFT hand on the back of your RIGHT upper arm and your RIGHT hand on the back of your LEFT upper arm then gently squeeze or pat. This is grounding and consoling the wounded parts of you and dealing with trauma to your system. 

So, as I now go into my day, I am encouraging myself to be kind and loving to me and to all those I come into contact with. We are all battling something in life, if we think LOVE, we shall be LOVE….. pain or no pain.

Namaste.

Sometimes……..

Sometimes,
I find I hold my breath,
as if nothing will get me
if I stay absolutely motionless.
Then at other times,
I notice I was once oblivious,
the horrors of the damaged world
invisible to me, I thought all to be beauty.
Most of the time now,
I have apparently woken up in hell,
caught in the trap of seeing the non beauty,
having forgotten to stay anchored to the reality
of the presence of both.
If I were Queen of Heaven,
everyone would have a crown.

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Wire & Water

 

Wire & Water
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I hold my breath.

Gerberers sit in fresh water,

wired around their stems to

support their short, colourful lives.

Someone I love needs wire,

they also need fresh water ….

Without either of these,
life will be short….

clipped and slipped

into the chute of timelessness .

I am running out of wire

and I can no longer carry water…..

“After enlightenment,

chop wood, carry water.”

 

Photographer: Zoe Ferrie

Hypervigilance & the Pain Body

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Hypervigilance & the Pain Body

It might just be as I had thought….
I see the chronic pain has raged in me
so many times where hypervigilance
has been my prison officer.
I had not known nor felt the acuteness
of burning threats those years now passed.
I had not seen the agony of experience
soak into my body….. and hide.
Do you know about this too?
This dancing game? The game where
the perpetrator awaits its prey,
you move and then……..
you’re caught?
I know it now…. my body has incubated it.
Every cell in me has an imprint of every action,
every fear and loathesome sound which
banged on my nerves so hard and
for so many jagged years.
The nerves my friend….. this is where it
rises up and says – “No more”…..
The whole system in turmoil screams
and caming down comes slowly on apace.
My wings are my wrapping for safety,
My heart is my organ to fill the echoey chambers
where compassion now grows like balm dripping
from transluscent trees……
Healing is coming.

Catch My Feet Willya?!

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Catch My Feet Willya?!

Catch My Feet Willya?!

I read a cheerful Facebook post just now:
“travel light
live light
share the light
be the light”.
I sat feeling full, so full and joyFul(l) too….
I attempt to travel Light
I hope I live Light
I certainly desire to share Light
I believe I AM Light in many parts….
and some people need to be heavy too
as being Light sends us off the planet…..
here I go…..
Whoooooo Hoooooooooo……
Catch my feet willya?!

from: “My Light World: The journal of a girl who comes with perfect imperfections!”

Graphics with thanks: Robyn Nola – Appreciation and Love for Nature. (Facebook)

How Could You Do It?

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How Could You Do It?

How Could You Do It?!

How could you?
I mean really!….
what have I so cruelly done to you
for you to cause me such knife blade pain?
I flirted joyfully with you a
couple of years back
and even then,
when I thought all would be well…
doubled up was I, in the solar plexus.
Perhaps I should have taken your
pretty shiny coat off and chucked it away….
but no, I didn’t think of that, then.
This time
– however –
after reading about your sort,
I realised maybe that’s why you did it before…..
I left your coat on.
So….. today,
I took the blighter off, I did.
But you…. no sooner were you
inside my poor body…. you creased me with pain, AGAIN!
That’s the last time you seduce me
you Sharon Fruit…. you Persimmon YOU!
Never again shall I eat of YOUR fruits!!!!