Howl at the Dark Horse.

Howl at the Dark Horse.

Ashah ashah ashah ashah….wind rattles
my ears,
my face, my life.
Leather, the reins
as I steam through dark night.
Breath seems so tight,
so determined, so hard
that my howling is cutting,
scarring the world.
I ride through the bracken
not afraid of Dark Horse
for she and me shatter
boundaries with force.
This terror is screaming
in sinew and vein
as my body convulses;
invisible pain.
Ashah ashah ashah ashah…..

* dedicating this to all who suffer with invisible illness.*

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Wild

Seize the day as night comes slowly
to gather and hide the Light.
Be present in your breath for
therein lies the wisdom of your Life.
Crack wide the rigid bones of your ribs
for there, nestled within that cage,
lies the cavern of your wild and glorious Love.

Pushing

Tears come –
a leak in my
soft, weary eyes
paints the mural
of my life.
Salty stains fall
silently on my
worn out canvas.
Often we push
ourselves beyond
our Soul’s desire
and the body
screams for us to stop.
But I wonder what it takes
to ‘do’ nothing when the
world demands we ‘do’
it all………….

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LIVING WITH FIBROMYALGIA and CHRONIC ILLNESS. Is fighting it the right way?

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Hello!

I haven’t posted for a while….all too often Life happens when all you want to do is sit with your own thoughts, in your own space, doing your own thing. So here I am, on the wings of the creative Muse, being called back to Me.

It’s a soggy day here in Snailwell and yes, I can confidently say that, should I venture into my garden, there will be a snail and slug patrol going on, looking for the next tasty treat to ravage! The skies are clearing now. For a while it felt like someone had scooped up my cottage and shoved it into a black hole. It’s pretty grim for the 26th of August; bring back the sun – please.

I was just thinking, as I sat down in my armchair here, I am living everyday with Fibromyalgia (FMS) and although I know there are people far worse off than me, in my life, the impact it has, is very difficult. I never contemplated getting to the age of 62 and feeling A) in constant pain or discomfort. B) Being unable to walk more than a few steps without being in almost immovable pain. C) Feeling completely thrown into the void of bewilderment about my life, what it’s been, where I am now and where I am going. D) struggling on a daily basis, not to DO my work as a Singing Teacher/ Therapist, but to actually cope with the logistics of the unknown; what will today bring when I step outside the door?

Still recovering from a little dance with cancer  four years ago and a couple of other pretty significant surgeries three and two years ago, the Fibro is now playing havoc with my body. Those of us with this chronic dis-ease in our systems know all too well how exhausting it can be to carry on….. people talk about ‘Fighting’ cancer or chronic illness….. I don’t ….. I believe we have to take a long, deep warm in-breath and just sit with what is, allowing the passage through to something else. Being kind to oneself is not always easy, especially if you have lived a life where you have complied with the done thing, of pushing yourself to overcome that which is getting you down.

My Life has changed significantly in the last five years and just now, I don’t know where I’m going, or really have much of a sense of who I am anymore, but I do know this: we are drip-fed a lot of illusions in our lives. ‘You can be anything you want to be’, ‘you can have anything you want to have’, ‘you are X’ etc etc. This is not true; these things are illusions. Actually, at the end of the day, when we begin to really look at our lives and accept the conditions we find ourselves in, we see that all we have left is our innate ability to Love and be Loved and out of that other things may grow, if we allow them to.

As for the pain? Toxins come in many forms….. it’s isn’t entirely one thing or the other. It is a combination of ‘poisons’ which inhabit our bodies, a lot of which are environmental, belief systems about ourselves and others and the more obvious things like foods and chemicals in medications and on the land. No doubt there are other things too but these I’ve listed are for me, the building blocks of dis-ease. For example, when someone is led to believe they are ‘stupid’, they will often take that on board if there isn’t anything to counter that abuse. With that belief deeply buried in their physical and energetic bodies, they will become ‘stupid’ and as such, they will experience pain on one or more levels. Changing those deeply embodied beliefs is not easy, it would seem. However, acceptance of how things have been and are, does release the strangle hold which has a big impact on the body and mind.

Something to try: Place your LEFT hand on the back of your RIGHT upper arm and your RIGHT hand on the back of your LEFT upper arm then gently squeeze or pat. This is grounding and consoling the wounded parts of you and dealing with trauma to your system. 

So, as I now go into my day, I am encouraging myself to be kind and loving to me and to all those I come into contact with. We are all battling something in life, if we think LOVE, we shall be LOVE….. pain or no pain.

Namaste.

Healing Oils of Experience

I pootle along past glorious fields
which yesterday made my heart sing,
the flatness of the Fen.
I ask myself:
Why has it changed today?
why am I low?….
For a tiny chip of a moment I shift inside…
expansion and warmth bubble in me
like a hot spring of healing waters.
All too soon it’s gone again,
yet at least I know that somewhere inside
there is still a touch of the warming oils of experience.
And tomorrow is another day.
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Hypervigilance & the Pain Body

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Hypervigilance & the Pain Body

It might just be as I had thought….
I see the chronic pain has raged in me
so many times where hypervigilance
has been my prison officer.
I had not known nor felt the acuteness
of burning threats those years now passed.
I had not seen the agony of experience
soak into my body….. and hide.
Do you know about this too?
This dancing game? The game where
the perpetrator awaits its prey,
you move and then……..
you’re caught?
I know it now…. my body has incubated it.
Every cell in me has an imprint of every action,
every fear and loathesome sound which
banged on my nerves so hard and
for so many jagged years.
The nerves my friend….. this is where it
rises up and says – “No more”…..
The whole system in turmoil screams
and caming down comes slowly on apace.
My wings are my wrapping for safety,
My heart is my organ to fill the echoey chambers
where compassion now grows like balm dripping
from transluscent trees……
Healing is coming.

Fly On Faithful Night

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Fly on Faithful Night

The energies are strange tonight.
Percussive voice of winds bang loud
and the squeaky gate from nextdoor
adds eerie melodies in this dark night.
I cannot sleep again
again, again…….
Such disturbance night after night
gets the ghouls squeezing and pounding their
interferring feet all over my body
intruding on my energy,
and I’m in pain.
It is not ok.
I say this not for grand pity, no….
as the fight in me is rising up with the sun
who will dawn within two hours now
and once again I shall bring myself back,
back to the centre of my intrepid journey
to find the cure…….
Fly on faithful night…..
for I am the courageous investigator of my Soul.