Looking Inside

Looking Inside.

Twilight and I am nestled up the corner 
in my generous chair 
completely holding my rounded form
like a mother holds her baby so tenderly. 
“I am not ready for winter” 
I mewled in my little mind
as the street light simmered its nauseous amber
and the fire waited to be warmed up 
by matches, paper and crackling kindling. 

My thoughts are flitting and monkey like
as my body, a little anxious,
wants to dart back and forth 
tidying, cleaning, packing for my trip….
my trip…… my journey to foreign parts
where one goes to support an only child
through major surgery. 
Brain surgery. 

This is not easy and yet,
tears just will not break through the torrid barrier 
of respectablity, capability, politeness,
societal expectations….. 

I actually want to scream – 
yes
I want to scream a viscious and vile scream. 
It is not about being a victim 
or the noxious stuff 
which negativity is made of.
It is about 
the incredulity of yet another wretched 
entanglement of Life and Living’s experiences…..
I can accept AND I can rage…

Do not come to my door 
attempting to stop my voice or hers….
or
the voluble need of anyone who is in pain. 
Join with us and scream
that it may turn to laughter 
as the truthfulness of all things
falls into place.

 

Being Mother ~ Loving Daughter

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Being Mother ~ Loving Daughter

Being Mother ~ Loving Daughter

My day yesterday was spent fighting sleep. In the car, on the phone, in meditation ~ it really was the most painful time….. do I have narcolepsy I wonder? I came to bed just after ten and yet….. here i am 2am tapping away… I could not sleep. Too much anxiety in my body, struggle in every cell…. but do i know the root cause? Nope…. it is elusive…. or is it? Would I feel better if i knew my daughter and family were ok? Yes I would…. yet I have no control over these things…. I cannot control what’s happening, to them. To step back and say “I can do nothing” feels shameful…. a mother would do anything….. a mother would take it all away – if she could.

Kim needs brain surgery for Chiari 1 Malformation: please go to this link for more information:
http://www.youcaring.com/help-a-neighbor/kim-s-helping-to-health-fund/82707