Monthly Archives: October 2013

Looking Inside

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Looking Inside.

Twilight and I am nestled up the corner 
in my generous chair 
completely holding my rounded form
like a mother holds her baby so tenderly. 
“I am not ready for winter” 
I mewled in my little mind
as the street light simmered its nauseous amber
and the fire waited to be warmed up 
by matches, paper and crackling kindling. 

My thoughts are flitting and monkey like
as my body, a little anxious,
wants to dart back and forth 
tidying, cleaning, packing for my trip….
my trip…… my journey to foreign parts
where one goes to support an only child
through major surgery. 
Brain surgery. 

This is not easy and yet,
tears just will not break through the torrid barrier 
of respectablity, capability, politeness,
societal expectations….. 

I actually want to scream – 
yes
I want to scream a viscious and vile scream. 
It is not about being a victim 
or the noxious stuff 
which negativity is made of.
It is about 
the incredulity of yet another wretched 
entanglement of Life and Living’s experiences…..
I can accept AND I can rage…

Do not come to my door 
attempting to stop my voice or hers….
or
the voluble need of anyone who is in pain. 
Join with us and scream
that it may turn to laughter 
as the truthfulness of all things
falls into place.

 

Being Mother ~ Loving Daughter

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Being Mother ~ Loving Daughter

Being Mother ~ Loving Daughter

My day yesterday was spent fighting sleep. In the car, on the phone, in meditation ~ it really was the most painful time….. do I have narcolepsy I wonder? I came to bed just after ten and yet….. here i am 2am tapping away… I could not sleep. Too much anxiety in my body, struggle in every cell…. but do i know the root cause? Nope…. it is elusive…. or is it? Would I feel better if i knew my daughter and family were ok? Yes I would…. yet I have no control over these things…. I cannot control what’s happening, to them. To step back and say “I can do nothing” feels shameful…. a mother would do anything….. a mother would take it all away – if she could.

Kim needs brain surgery for Chiari 1 Malformation: please go to this link for more information:
http://www.youcaring.com/help-a-neighbor/kim-s-helping-to-health-fund/82707

Then I shall know.

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Yesterday I didn’t notice 
the ugliness of life. 
I danced and sang 
petite and pretty love songs…

Today I asked my heart,
“why are you crying?”
My face was smilingly gentle,
eyes longed to see only the beautiful & bright…

Tomorrow I will gaze at melismatic flights of birds overhead.
I shall hear the rustle of sweet Autumn’s changing leaves
and see with my wise heart, 
how my tears do flow, for being human.

Then I shall know 
how imperfection and perfection
are the same when the Alchemist
rises at dawn and points me to the chalice;
then, I shall know.

Sorting It Ourselves

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Sorting It Ourselves

Sorting It Ourselves

I see governments failing,
fiscal plans falling and crashing
and we, the little people, become strong.
I see we are diving in and pulling together.
As one, in our groups in this aching world,
we begin to shine and give with open hearts.
Where one can’t, another can.
Where one attacks, another heals.
Where one hates, another loves…..

Twist your fingers through the ribbons
when they are thrown.
As you go under, another will go over
the weaving of the human safety net
is in our own hands….
The “four hand carry” the “cat’s cradle”
we know how to hold another….
and now, the mighty challenge calls out –
do you/I/we, know how to be held?

Photo: Wikipedia: four-hand-lift

Insatiable Sleep

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This offering today is linked to FMS (Fibromyalgia Syndrome) which I have….. It’s a chronic condition with many symptoms including widespread, constant pain and deep exhaustion.

 

Insatiable Sleep

Another phase has hit me….
this rapacious, inescapable sleepiness.
My eyes are heavy, cannot focus,
unable to keep them open, again.
It’s been about three days or so
where life is filtered through 
veiled eyes and echoey ears…..
My writing comes in word-bursts
as mind slides in and out of 
landscapes of colour, emotions 
and rantings of my inner critic.
There is a pain involved here in this 
silent world of insatiable sleep,
this dragging up out of the 
space where cocooning the self
is the only option……
Like dogs (I imagine) 
licking my face, creating dumb shock
in me and unable to get them off….

Such a ghastly thought…..
hello… so glad you dropped by..
Sleeping now. 

Nightwatch

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Nightwatch

Night in full flight
sits upon my chest, 
pinning me down 
forcing me to make sense of it
and use it wisely.
But I rise up like a cackling spectre
and ride this ‘night’ on its satin back,
peering through the windows 
of a turbulent world
and spreading a morning mist 
as the light of day hums it’s way in.
I shall have little sleep this night
for I follow the Pipistrelle and Serotine
way up in the sky allowing myself
the ecstatic joy of dancing with the Lights 
of the firmament and the winds of the earth.
We are all things of the mysterious and the mundane
and yet we cannot grasp the magnitude of 
of the brilliance of all things….
for we keep ourselves asleep 
when in fact,
it is time for us to fly.

The Haven

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The Haven

I said to him last night,
“take my car to work….come back in the morning and rest with me?”.
He looked at me…..
“OK” he said, with a seduction at the corners of his wide, wet mouth …..
There he was in the cold morning rain, at my door at 9am.
We climbed into bed – into clean sheets….
for 10am and radio 4…… The Archers Omnibus….
I fell asleep in his arms, missing most of life in Ambridge…..
yet this little haven of snuggledom
had me purring deliciously with delightfully safe sleep.
Outside this nest, Autumn winds
bumbled against the old, rough wooden door
and rains of dark lit skies
defiantly washed the small paned windows,
as it struggled to come in.
“No chance!” I mumbled…. “n o  c h a n c e.” 

Compassionately Speaking

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Compassionately Speaking

Compassionately Speaking

My body wept the tears of my little life, inside.
My heart split open from wetness
of smouldering sadness
as out flew compassionate,
strong arms of an Angel
carrying wings for every single soul
who suffers in this life.
The Angel spoke wordlessly into my eyes –
“When one suffers, all suffers ~ you are not living this alone.”

Ostinato of Autumn

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Ostinato of Autumn

The change from summer to autumn
came rattling at my windows,
sounding in the trees
like the ocean’s breaking waves
and I lay there listening, 
with an anxiety
not felt for many months and moons,
to nature’s symphony.
You lay next to me, 
flesh white and cool
with goose bumps
asking to be covered. 
Sounds of your breathing,
percussively punctuating 
the restless night, brought comforting images of 
saw and bow and I giggled, silently.
How I do love you,
you with the gift for ostinato.